17 May 2009 @ 10:46 am
Why yes, the footnotes do include footnotes.  
[Crossposted to Livejournal.]

A silly, cracky Good Omens drabble for [personal profile] karanguni, who has recently reached egregiously unnatural levels of awesome.


Footnotes to the Strange and Varied Ethics of the Demon Formerly Known as Crawly.



  1. If the Bentley is dented, scratched, crashed, dinted, sliced, keyed, egged, slashed, scored, nicked, notched, devoured, nicked, grazed, incised, regurgitated upon, indented, dimpled, shot at, blown up, melted, burnt, drilled, towed, stolen, sunk, eaten1, mutilated, damaged, graffitied, cursed, possessed, insulted, maimed, defaced, marred, buried, electrocuted, smashed, hand-grenaded or in any way harmed, Crowley will not be held responsible for his actions2.


    1. Ever hear that old joke about a Kraken, a demon and a 1926 Black Bentley? That’s because everyone who has was Taken Care Of three eons ago.

    2. Technically, he isn't responsible for any of his actions, what with being a demon and having an irredeemable demonic nature and all, which, yes, defeats the purpose of the whole 'Ethics' exercise, as has been expounded to a certain Angel numerous times, but said angel is stubborn, and has sat through three International Crime Tribunals in swift succession, and Crowley was in an easy-going state of mind, something that has only occurred five times since the beginning of the Arrangement, and - Just go with it, okay?


  2. He loves his plants, he really does. He loves them so much that when he’s going to be away for a while, he leaves Countdown with Keith Olbermann on full blast, just so they’ll have someone to threaten them with death in his absence.


  3. He popped into Guantanamo Bay once, a year or two back, and promptly fell off the face of the Earth. Aziraphale found him three weeks later on a beach in Scotland, twenty-seven empty bottles of Russian vodka lined up on the sand beside him1.


    1. Half the local town had, during this time, undergone a spontaneous epiphany, decided to ‘see the world’, and packed up shop in order to embark on ‘indefinite vacations, ’ all the while muttering madly about haunted beaches and unseelie beasties who screamed old pirate shanties during the night and despised humankind.


  4. English is his preferred language, due in large part, though he will never admit it, to the influence of a certain Angel. The problems encountered in expressing himself start and end with the basis of the language upon certain constructions of faith and the ontological perception of the world as a product of a most unknowable divinity. But he is rather proud of the invention of OMG.


  5. Morningstar, that unholy bastard1, lured him into the home stretch of his fall with the enticement of a fantastically stylish and anachronistic tie clip. He couldn’t help himself, really2, and he figures that if he’s going to be evil, he might as well be evil with style. He’s only ever met one man who manages to pull off amorality with anywhere near his level of panache. But we don’t talk about Danny Ocean.


    1. What? It’s a compliment Down There.

    2. It was just so shiny. And unexpectedly functional to boot. What could possibly have gone wrong?



 
 
theme song: Paris is Burning - Ladyhawke
 
 
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sirdrakesheir[personal profile] sirdrakesheir on May 17th, 2009 03:26 am (UTC)
THIS WAS FABULOUS AND MADE ME
Photobucket

ALL OF THESE WERE SO MUCH WIN BUT ESPECIALLY 1, 2, AND 3.
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Something like a crossroads song: the emperor has no clothes[personal profile] charlieblue on May 17th, 2009 03:42 am (UTC)
Re: THIS WAS FABULOUS AND MADE ME
AHAHAHA. BABY!JON DANCING IS UNBEARABLY CUTE.

So glad you liked it. :D
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sirdrakesheir[personal profile] sirdrakesheir on May 17th, 2009 03:46 am (UTC)
Re: THIS WAS FABULOUS AND MADE ME
i love how we think of him as bb!jon

but his hair has already started to gray
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Something like a crossroads song[personal profile] charlieblue on May 17th, 2009 03:49 am (UTC)
Re: THIS WAS FABULOUS AND MADE ME
But he's all ... young and skinny and more puppy!dog than hang!dog.
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sirdrakesheir[personal profile] sirdrakesheir on May 17th, 2009 03:54 am (UTC)
Re: THIS WAS FABULOUS AND MADE ME
And adorable

And less profoundly cynical.
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Something like a crossroads song[personal profile] charlieblue on May 17th, 2009 03:55 am (UTC)
Re: THIS WAS FABULOUS AND MADE ME
*sniff*

DAMN YOU BUSH.
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sirdrakesheir[personal profile] sirdrakesheir on May 17th, 2009 03:56 am (UTC)
Re: THIS WAS FABULOUS AND MADE ME
I JUST WANT TO HAVE HIM REST HIS HEAD IN MY BUSSUM

IN THE HOPES THAT HE WILL CONTRACT SOME OF MY YOUTHFUL OPTIMISM VIA OSMOSIS
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Something like a crossroads song[personal profile] charlieblue on May 17th, 2009 03:59 am (UTC)
Re: THIS WAS FABULOUS AND MADE ME
YOU MEAN BOSOM? Bussum makes me think of some strange possum-public transportation hybrid. Which in the given context ... would be strangely surreal and appropriate. Jon Stewart, riding around New York in a cuddly bus to soothe his tortured soul. Ahahaha.

...Note to self. Cut down on the cold medicine.
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sirdrakesheir[personal profile] sirdrakesheir on May 17th, 2009 04:08 am (UTC)
I HAVE SUCH A DEVICE ACTUALLY
I MEANT

THAT IS THE COLLOQUIAL SPELLING IN MY TRASHY PERIOD NOVELS

THE UNEDUCATED COUNTRY MAID IS ALL

BUSSUM

ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT BE BUZZUM

IDK THE POINT IS THAT

SHE HAS AN ACCENT

AND JON STEWART'S HEAD IS WELCOME BETWIXT MY TINY, TEENEY BOOBULARS
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Something like a crossroads song[personal profile] charlieblue on May 17th, 2009 04:19 am (UTC)
O RLY?
AHAHAHA. OKAY. I UNDERSTAND NOW.

I THINK HE WOULD BE WELCOME BETWIXT THE BOOBULARS OF HALF HIS TARGET AUDIENCE.
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