We are to fandom what Rahm Emanuel is to the Democratic Party

[charlieblue]

...That is to say terrifying.

On that note:



A RAHM EMANUEL MANIFESTO:

On why there is no spoon, only Rahm.


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tl__dr: IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FANON IN THE RAHMDOM. OKAY.

(AND SERIOUSLY I LOVE BARACK THE PROUD-OF-HIMSELF-EVERY-TIME-HE-SAYS-SOMETHING-IMMATURE DORK EVEN MORE THAN I LOVE HIS CHIEF OF STAFF. I GOTTA JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT.)

charlie_d_blue: IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FANON IN THE RAHMDOM. OKAY.

This is like, totally a Chuck Norris fact for LJ. There is no Fanon. There is only Rahm, and those too weak to stomach him.

bookshop: i'm just going to start saying "There is no ____. There is only Rahm."

There is no Democratic Party. THERE IS ONLY RAHM.

There is no Palestinian conflict. THERE IS ONLY RAHM.

There is no spoon. THERE IS ONLY RAHM.


From: here.


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A Brilliant Post that Comprehensively Explains Rahm's history and why he is just so motherfucking awesome.

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REASONS TO LOVE THIS FANDOM: BECAUSE IT TOOK CHUCK NORRIS' SCHTICK AND MADE IT INTO BRILLIANT CRACK.

RAHM'S FACTS.


1. He is good with computers:

There is no 'ctrl' button on Rahm Emanuel's computer. Rahm Emanuel is always in control.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Rahm Emanuel is worth 1 billion words."


2. He can handle a weapon:

Rahm Emanuel built a better mousetrap, but the world was afraid to beat a path to his door.


3. Michelle loves him:

Rahm Emanuel neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.


4. He will fuck Osama's shit up:



Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Rahm Emanuel's basement.

Two days later.

He is now Tony Stark's long lost brother.


4. He will own your soul at scrabble:

If you spell Rahm Emanuel in Scrabble, you win. Forever.


5. Arnold Schwarzenegger is his bitch:

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Rahm Emanuel for help.


6. He will pwn you in his ballet leotard:

Rahm Emanuel’s roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.


7. He will destroy myspace:
Rahm Emanuel is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.


8. Barack failing to cook and Rahm being smug is unbearably cute:

Rahm Emanuel smells what Barack is cooking. Because Barack is his personal chef.


9. He can get away with pulling any shit he likes:

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Rahmtatorship.


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BECAUSE THE MEDIA IS JUST AS CRACKY AND IN LOVE WITH HIM AS WE ARE:





Articles:


Apparently he ended a phone call to one candidate by saying: "Don't fuck it up or I'll fuck you. I'll kill you. All right, I love you. Bye."

- Telegraph.


The New Yorker: Emanuel In Full.

Chicago Tribune: The House Rahm Built.

The Rolling Stone: The Enforcer.

10 Things You Didn't Know About Rahm Emanuel.

Time: Rahm Emanuel.

Politico: Rahm Emanuel Just a Heartbeat Away From Having a Heart.

Times Online: Obama Means Business.

GQ: Kiss the Ring.

The Five Most Infamous Rahm Emanuel Moments.

The Legend of Rahm.


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Videos:

Rahm on The Daily Show.

Rahm Emanuel on Face the Nation.

Obama on Rahm. Not literally.

Rahm Emanuel composes a (RHYMING!) love letter from Republicans to the Oil Companies.

Rahm Emanuel lays it on thick using Republican arguments against George Bush to urge health care reform.

Rahm Emanuel versus Dick Cheney.

Rahm Emanuel Shuts Down GOP Foley Defense.

Rahm Emanuel (barely restraining himself) on Meet the Press.



Other:

rahmbamarama

The Rahm EmanuelFriendingPress Gang Meme.

Rahm Picspam.

Rahm Emanuel Will Shoot You in the Face.

The Classics done Rahm-Style.

Feel The Love or You're Dead.

rahm_daily


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Perfectly Speculative Quote That is Perfect:


A fellow Congressman once described Emanuel as an "amoral, showboating cock."

Totally Unofficial Source (in comments)



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REASONS TO LOVE RAHM: THE CROSSOVER SPECIAL


HE TELLS ANGELS THEY HAVE TO MAKE FUCKING APPOINTMENTS.

HOGWARTS WAS BIRTHED FROM HIS LOINS.

KINGSLEY SHACKLEBOLT GOT TOLD.

EDWARD CULLEN IS TOO TERRIFIED TO WISH HE WAS RAHM EMANUEL.

HE DOESN'T TAKE SHIT FROM COLBERT.

HE PWNS FIGHT CLUB.

HE CONTROLS SPACE AND TIME.

HE RUNS THE SUPER SECRET 10TH CIRCLE OF HELL.

HE OFFERED LORD VOLDEMORT PLASTIC SURGERY.

HE FUCKS WITH DISCWORLD AND LIVES TO TELL THE TALE.

HE DOMINATES MAL REYNOLDS.

CROWLEY IS STILL IN A STATE OF SHOCK AND AWE.


LES MIZ. IDK. I NEVER READ IT. BUT IT STILL ROCKS, OK?


HE CAN MAKE DEAN WINCHESTER BEG FOR IT.


HE BEATS LEX LUTHOR AT HIS OWN GAME.



[ Because bookshop ran in about here and went:

*ARRIVES LATE*

*SHRIEKS INARTICULATELY FOR MANY LONG MINUTES AT THIS ENTIRE POST* ]




BECAUSE HE WALKED OUT ON THE JOKER

WILBUR THE PIG GOT -

HE GOT IT ON WITH HOUSE.

TONY STARK, PEOPLE. NEED I SAY MORE?


HE'S IN UR LJ TORTURING CONGRESS AND NOT TAKING THIS NEW PROFILE SHIT:



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BECAUSE HE LEADS TO THESE KIND OF CONVERSATIONS:




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vixen_notatramp: CLEARLY RAHM HAD A MOTHERFUCKING PLAN FOR US.

charlie_d_blue: CLEARLY. RAHM IS EVERYWHERE AND IN ALL THINGS. FATE IS HIS BITCH AND LIKES IT UP THE ASS.

vixen_notatramp: FATE IS JUST HAPPY TO GET RAHM ANY WAY SHE CAN GET HIM.

charlie_d_blue: HE IS A VERY BUSY MAN, IT IS TRUE

vixen_notatramp: HE'S ALL 'FATE, JESUS CHRIST QUIT BEING SUCH A CLINGY BITCH! I GOT IMMINENT DOOM AND GOOD FORTUNE FOR A THREESOME TODAY, AND THOSE BITCHES BE FRISKY. WAIT YOUR TURN, JESUS.'

charlie_d_blue: AND THEN FATE GETS SULKY IN A CORNER AND THAT'S HOW AMERICA ENDED UP WITH W. FOR TWO TERMS.

vixen_notatramp: AND THIS YEAR RAHM WAS LIKE, 'BABE, I GET YOU'RE PISSED. BUT YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND, WHEN THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU, YOU GOT LOTS OF SHIT TO DO. COME ON, BABY, I PROMISE TUESDAY NIGHTS WILL BE YOURS IF YOU GET BARACK ELECTED'.

charlie_d_blue: AND WOMAN WAS SO HAPPY TO HAVE HIS ATTENTION SHE CURSED THE REPUBLICANS WITH PALIN.

vixen_notatramp: AND THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T FUCK WITH RAHM EMANUEL, KIDS. FATE WILL SEND YOU SARAH PALIN.

charlie_d_blue: AND TAKE AWAY OHIO.

vixen_notatramp: RAHM GIVETH, THEN HE TAKETH AWAY WHILE HE DOES TOUR JETÉS ON YOUR NADS.

charlie_d_blue: HE WILL PERFORM A PERFECTLY EXTENDED GRAND ROND DE JAMBE ON YOUR BRUISED AND BATTERED ASS AND LEAVE YOU WANTING MORE.

vixen_notatramp: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT FUCKING MEANS AND IT'S STILL HOTTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE ON THE PLANET.

charlie_d_blue: LOOK IT UP BITCH. IT IS HOT LIKE A BURNING THING. I KNOW. I SPENT YEARS PULLING THIS SHIT.

vixen_notatramp: ...

I'LL BE IN MY BUNK.



[...]



charlie_d_blue: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING LIKE IT IS.

vixen_notatramp: CLEARLY IT IS BECAUSE IT WAS PREORDAINED BY RAHM, Y/Y? ONLY EXPLANATION.

charlie_d_blue: PREORDAINED WITH ALL THE MIGHT OF A THOUSAND NATIONS OF THE PERSIAN EMPIRE.


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IDK. IT JUST SOUNDED RIGHT.

vixen_notatramp: DUDE, THE MACEDONIANS ARE IN ON THIS SHIT, TOO. KINKY FUCKERS.

charlie_d_blue: YOU KNOW IT.

vixen_notatramp: THE MACEDONIANS ARE ALL UP IN EGYPT, RUNNIN AROUND ALL LIKE IM IN UR COUNTRY, HIJACKIN' UR DYNASTIC LINE.

...IDEK, DUDE.

charlie_d_blue: AND RAHM'S ALL LIKE FUCK YOUR MOTHERFUCKING DYNASTIC LINE, IMMA CUT YOU IF YOU DON'T GET SOME DEMOCRACY IN HERE STAT COCKSUCKERS.

...

YEAH. ME NEITHER. XD



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vixen_notatramp: AND LO DID RAHM LOOK DOWN AND SAY 'SHIT, THERE ARE SOME FINEASS FANGIRLS OUT THERE WHO NEED TO MEET. I SHOULD HOOK THAT SHIT UP.'

charlie_d_blue: AND THE RAHM DIDTH SAY: 'ALL YO MOTHERFUCKERS BE CRAZY AS ALL HELL, BUT I LIKE THAT IN A MINION.'

vixen_notatramp: AMEN.


[...]



vixen_notatramp: IDK WHAT I'M EVEN SAYING ANYMORE. WHERE AM I? WHAT IS THIS? I DON'T EVEN CARE.

charlie_d_blue: *IS FAINTLY CONCERNED*

MAYBE YOU NEED SLEEP? WE ARE NOT ALL LIKE RAHM, YOU KNOW.

vixen_notatramp: ...BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS AND IT IS AWESOME AND I MISS IT? PLUS IT IS ONLY MIDNIGHT THIRTY. I'M GOOD.

charlie_d_blue: OKAY. GOOD. DO YOU STILL REMEMBER YOUR NAME?

vixen_notatramp: ...

YES. I THINK.

charlie_d_blue: THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.


[...]




THE END MOTHERFUCKERS.

Comments

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

I KNOW I KNOW! THE CRACK IS BRILLIANT HERE. THERE HAD NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF CRACK BEEN CRACK THAT IS ANYWHERE NEAR THE LEVEL OF PURITY OF THIS CRACK WHICH IS CRACK.


RAHM.


THAT IS ALL.

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

THIS CRACK IS WHAT LITTLE BABY FLEDGLING CRACKS WISH TO BE WHEN THEY GROW OLDER.

I THINK THAT AT THE END OF ALL PRAYERS, WE MUSTN'T SAY "AMEN" (AMEN IS FOR PUSSY, PUNK-ASS BITCHES THAT BELIEVE IN GOD. WE BELIEVE IN RAHM.), WE SHOULD SAY "RAHM".

OUR RAHM, WHO ART IN THY WHITEHOUSE
HOLY BE THY NAME...
I'M OUT OF INSPIRATION; MY BRAIN IS FRIED FROM STUDYING.
BUT I SHALL ENDEAVOUR TO COME BACK TOMORROW AFTER MY EXAM AND ATTEMPT A RAMN-EN PRAYER.

IT'D BE OH-SO-BLASPHEMOUS.

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

DUDE THAT PRAYER IS SO BRILLIANT IT IS LIKE A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE IN ITS OWN RIGHT.

ALSO, LIKE A STALKER I CHECKED OUT YOUR PROFILE AND YOU ARE EXACTLY THREE DAYS OLDER THAN ME. FOR SOME REASON I FIND THIS INORDINATELY PLEASING AND VERY ODD.

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHA, I TOO FIND IT INORDINATELY PLEASING AND A LITTLE PERPLEXED, BUT: THIS IS ALSO SO VERY VERY COOL.


ALSO, I'M NOT SURE I'VE ASKED YOU: WHERE EXACTLY ARE YOU LOCATED IN THIS MAGNIFICENT LAND OF DOWN-UNDER?

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

I AM CURRENTLY CURLED UP BY MY DESK IN MY COLLEGE ROOM PRETENDING TO WORK ON AN ESSAY IN THE STRANGE AND CRAZY TOWNSHIP OF MELBOURNE.

I HAIL FROM THE SUNSHINE AND BEACHES OF PERTH AND MOVED HERE A FEW MONTHS AGO FOR UNI AND FOR FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES. WHY YES I AM A PRIVILEGED AND SPOILED BRAT. DEAL. XD

YOU ARE SYDNEY-SIDER YES? THEY HAVE GOOD BEACHES THERE. SOME KINDA NICE OPERA HOUSES TOO.

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

THEY HAVE GOOD BEACHES THERE. SOME KINDA NICE OPERA HOUSES TOO.

YEAH. AND SOME BRIDGE THINGY THAT EVERYONE MAKES A BIG DEAL ABOUT ... ;)

MELBOURNE!
AND EXAMS!
AND UNI!

CAN'T RELATE TO THE MELBOURNE PART, BUT DEFINITELY TO THE UNI AND EXAMS PART. I'M STUDYING ENGINEERING. YOU?

(ALSO, I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO ABANDON YOU NOW.. I HAVE AN EXAM EARLY TOMORROW MORNING AND SHOULD PROBABLY GET SOME SLEEP :))

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

EXAMS. GAH. ENGINEERING IS IMPRESSIVE AND A BRILLIANT DEGREE TO BE GETTING. I WAS GOING TO DO LAW BUT THEN HAD AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS (READ, WAS TOO LAZY/BORED BY THE IDEA) SO WENT FOR ARTS: INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS/ANTROPOLOGY/ECONOMICS.

DUUUUUDE. GOODNIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

MY EXAM WENT WELL AND ZOMG, YOUR COURSE DESCRIPTION WINS AT LIFE LIKE MOTHERFUCKING RAHM IN A HOUSE FULL OF THINGS OF MOTHERFUCKING WIN.



WAS THE THE MOST CONVOLUTED COMPLIMENT EVER? I THINK IT WAS.

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

DUDE. CONVOLUTED LIKE AN MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME THING.

AND I JUST THOUGHT I'D POINT OUT THAT WHEN I SAID ANTROPOLOGY, I DID IN FACT MEAN ANTHROPOLOGY, JUST IN CASE YOU THOUGHT I WAS STUDYING THE SOCIAL SYSTEMS OF INSECTS AND NOT HUMANS.

I AM GLAD YOUR EXAM WENT WELL. THIS IS A GOOD THING. RAHM WOULD APPROVE.

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

*WISHES SHE HAD SPACE FOR AN AWESOME RAHM-APPROVES ICON*

IT'S OKAY, I ASSUMED YOU MEANT HUMANS AND NOT INSECTS.
BUT RAHM WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN THE DIFFERENCE.
BECAUSE TO RAHM, WE ARE ALL MERE INSECTS TO CONQUER.

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

THIS IS SO TRUE I FEEL LIKE GRAFFITI-ING IT ON THE WHITE HOUSE.

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

NOW THAT'S AN IDEA.


...HOW DO WE GET TO THE WHITEHOUSE.?

IF WE WERE RAHM, WE COULD HAVE FLOWN.
*GASP*
I JUST BLASPHEMISED AND COMPARED US LOWLY INSECTS TO RAHM. HE'S GONNA COME AND SMITE ME NOW, ISN'T HE?
I AM TO BE SMOTEN.

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

WHEN REFERRING TO RAHM IT IS APPROPRIATE TO USE THE PAST-TENSE SMITTEN. AS IT EASILY COMBINES HIS VIOLENT AND GODLIKE NATURE WITH THE TENDENCY OF EVERYONE HE COMES IN CONTACT WITH TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.

WHITE HOUSE? EASY. JUST GET REINCARNATED AS A RACIAL MINORITY, BECOME A CHARISMATIC ORATORY GENIUS AND RUN AGAINST A SENILE REPUBLICAN WITH A BARBIE FOR A VP.

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

YES, BUT SMITTEN REMINDS ME OF SWEET THINGS LIKE LOLLIPOPS AND RAINBOWS AND KITTENS AND THESE ARE THINGS THAT RAHM IS NOT. HE IS A MOTHERFUCKING GENIUS WITH A HOMICIDAL STREAK THAT MAKES FANGIRLS WEAK AT THE KNEES.


THEREFORE I INVENTED 'SMOTEN'. LOL.


WHITE HOUSE? EASY. JUST GET REINCARNATED AS A RACIAL MINORITY, BECOME A CHARISMATIC ORATORY GENIUS AND RUN AGAINST A SENILE REPUBLICAN WITH A BARBIE FOR A VP.
OH YEAH!
EASY!
LIKE ROCKET SCIENCE CAKE!

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

OKAY. THAT MAKES SENSE. SMOTEN WORKS FOR ME.

*sniffs haughtily*

AT LEAST I HAVE A PLAN.

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

YOUR PLAN IS TREMENDOUS AND *PROFFERS MY OWN IMMORTAL SOUL FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS*

TAKE ME WITH YOU TO DC?

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

FIRST DC, NEXT STOP, THE WORLD.

WE SHALL EXPLOIT THE TRUST THE REST OF THE WORLD HAS IN AUSTRALIA BEING AN INNOCENT AND A NON-THREAT.

YOU SHOULD READ THIS. (http://community.livejournal.com/sga_flashfic/299624.html) EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CLUE ABOUT SGA FANDOM, IT PROVIDES A KEY INSIGHT INTO MY THINKING ABOUT AUSTRALIA'S POTENTIAL. JUST SUBSTITUTE THE CANADA IN THAT DRABBLE WITH AUSTRALIA AND YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN.

:D

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT SGA FANDOM, BUT I LOVED SG-1 (ALTHOUGH TOO YOUNG AND INNOCENT TO GET INTO FANDOM AT THAT AGE).

SO, I LOVE SGA BY ASSOCIATION?

ALSO: DAMN STRAIGHT. THE WORLD WILL SEE THAT AUSTRALIANS ARE GOOD NOT ONLY AT CRICKET, BUT AT RULING THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD, TOO. TAKE THAT, EARTH.

I AM SORRY. MY BRAIN IS BROKEN, SO IF THAT DID NOT MAKE ANY SENSE ... PRETEND IT DID.

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

NO, IT MADE PERFECT SENSE, BUT I THINK THAT MEANS MY BRAIN IS BROKEN TOO, NOT THAT YOURS ISN'T. SORRY. XD

I AM STILL DECIDING WHETHER TO BECOME A GUERRILLA MERCENARY OR WORK MY WAY THROUGH GOVERNMENT INTO A POSITION OF AUTHORITY OVER THE INTELLIGENCE SERVICES.

LIFE SHALL BE INTERESTING.

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

NO, IT MADE PERFECT SENSE, BUT I THINK THAT MEANS MY BRAIN IS BROKEN TOO, NOT THAT YOURS ISN'T. SORRY. XD
IT'S OKAY! IF MY BRAIN IS BROKEN AND YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN, WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER, THEREFORE NO ONE IS BROKEN AND DEEMED INSANE. THIS REASONING WORKS BECAUSE IT'S THE ONE RELIGION HAS BEEN USING FOR CENTURIES.

GUERRILLA MERCERNARY PLZ. ONLY BECAUSE GUERRILLA IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE AWESOMEST WORD, EVER.
BUT IF YOU COME INTO A POSITION OF AUTHORITY IN THE INTELLIGENCE SERVICES, YOU COULD... MEET RAHM. AND MY BRAIN WOULD EFFING ESSPLODE OR SOMETHING.

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

THIS REASONING WORKS BECAUSE IT'S THE ONE RELIGION HAS BEEN USING FOR CENTURIES.

...WELL THAT'S OKAY THEN.

I STRONGLY SUSPECT THAT BY THE TIME I AM EITHER AN ILLICIT GUERRILLA FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH OR LEADING AUSTRALIA'S TOP SECRET INTELLIGENCE ARMY ON A VENDETTA TO RULE THE WORLD, RAHM EMANUEL (AND POSSIBLY HIS BROTHERS TOO) WILL HAVE GONE FREELANCE AND BE RUNNING THE MOST POWERFUL MAFIA IN THE WORLD, AND THAT WAY WE COULD FORGE AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE.

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

I JUST READ THE SGA FIC AND ZOMG, IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. WE ARE LIKE CANADA. EXCEPT BETTER.


I LIKE THE CANADIANS. I THINK WE SHOULD GO EASY ON THEM WHEN WE CONTROL THE WORLD.

ALSO, IDK WHAT RODNEY LOOKS LIKE, BUT I KNOW WHAT JOHN LOOKS LIKE AND ZOMG, HIM IN SHOWER = MENTAL ESSPLOSION.

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

YES, I KNOW, RIGHT? WE ARE THE SECRET WORLD POWER. OR AT LEAST WE WILL BE ONCE I GET MY HANDS ON OUR SECRET OPERATIONS.

OK. I SHALL BE SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL WITH CANADA THAN THE REST OF THE WORLD.

RODNEY IS NOT SO HOT AS JOHN IN THE TRADITIONAL SENSE BUT HE IS BUILT AND HAS INCREDIBLE ARMS AND WHAT HE LACKS IN INSTANT APPEAL HOTNESS HE MAKES UP FOR IN SNARK AND CRAZY GENIUS INTELLIGENCE.

... OK MOVING OVER TO NEW THREAD NOW.