We are to fandom what Rahm Emanuel is to the Democratic Party

[charlieblue]

...That is to say terrifying.

On that note:



A RAHM EMANUEL MANIFESTO:

On why there is no spoon, only Rahm.


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tl__dr: IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FANON IN THE RAHMDOM. OKAY.

(AND SERIOUSLY I LOVE BARACK THE PROUD-OF-HIMSELF-EVERY-TIME-HE-SAYS-SOMETHING-IMMATURE DORK EVEN MORE THAN I LOVE HIS CHIEF OF STAFF. I GOTTA JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT.)

charlie_d_blue: IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FANON IN THE RAHMDOM. OKAY.

This is like, totally a Chuck Norris fact for LJ. There is no Fanon. There is only Rahm, and those too weak to stomach him.

bookshop: i'm just going to start saying "There is no ____. There is only Rahm."

There is no Democratic Party. THERE IS ONLY RAHM.

There is no Palestinian conflict. THERE IS ONLY RAHM.

There is no spoon. THERE IS ONLY RAHM.


From: here.


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A Brilliant Post that Comprehensively Explains Rahm's history and why he is just so motherfucking awesome.

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REASONS TO LOVE THIS FANDOM: BECAUSE IT TOOK CHUCK NORRIS' SCHTICK AND MADE IT INTO BRILLIANT CRACK.

RAHM'S FACTS.


1. He is good with computers:

There is no 'ctrl' button on Rahm Emanuel's computer. Rahm Emanuel is always in control.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Rahm Emanuel is worth 1 billion words."


2. He can handle a weapon:

Rahm Emanuel built a better mousetrap, but the world was afraid to beat a path to his door.


3. Michelle loves him:

Rahm Emanuel neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.


4. He will fuck Osama's shit up:



Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Rahm Emanuel's basement.

Two days later.

He is now Tony Stark's long lost brother.


4. He will own your soul at scrabble:

If you spell Rahm Emanuel in Scrabble, you win. Forever.


5. Arnold Schwarzenegger is his bitch:

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Rahm Emanuel for help.


6. He will pwn you in his ballet leotard:

Rahm Emanuel’s roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.


7. He will destroy myspace:
Rahm Emanuel is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.


8. Barack failing to cook and Rahm being smug is unbearably cute:

Rahm Emanuel smells what Barack is cooking. Because Barack is his personal chef.


9. He can get away with pulling any shit he likes:

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Rahmtatorship.


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BECAUSE THE MEDIA IS JUST AS CRACKY AND IN LOVE WITH HIM AS WE ARE:





Articles:


Apparently he ended a phone call to one candidate by saying: "Don't fuck it up or I'll fuck you. I'll kill you. All right, I love you. Bye."

- Telegraph.


The New Yorker: Emanuel In Full.

Chicago Tribune: The House Rahm Built.

The Rolling Stone: The Enforcer.

10 Things You Didn't Know About Rahm Emanuel.

Time: Rahm Emanuel.

Politico: Rahm Emanuel Just a Heartbeat Away From Having a Heart.

Times Online: Obama Means Business.

GQ: Kiss the Ring.

The Five Most Infamous Rahm Emanuel Moments.

The Legend of Rahm.


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Videos:

Rahm on The Daily Show.

Rahm Emanuel on Face the Nation.

Obama on Rahm. Not literally.

Rahm Emanuel composes a (RHYMING!) love letter from Republicans to the Oil Companies.

Rahm Emanuel lays it on thick using Republican arguments against George Bush to urge health care reform.

Rahm Emanuel versus Dick Cheney.

Rahm Emanuel Shuts Down GOP Foley Defense.

Rahm Emanuel (barely restraining himself) on Meet the Press.



Other:

rahmbamarama

The Rahm EmanuelFriendingPress Gang Meme.

Rahm Picspam.

Rahm Emanuel Will Shoot You in the Face.

The Classics done Rahm-Style.

Feel The Love or You're Dead.

rahm_daily


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Perfectly Speculative Quote That is Perfect:


A fellow Congressman once described Emanuel as an "amoral, showboating cock."

Totally Unofficial Source (in comments)



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REASONS TO LOVE RAHM: THE CROSSOVER SPECIAL


HE TELLS ANGELS THEY HAVE TO MAKE FUCKING APPOINTMENTS.

HOGWARTS WAS BIRTHED FROM HIS LOINS.

KINGSLEY SHACKLEBOLT GOT TOLD.

EDWARD CULLEN IS TOO TERRIFIED TO WISH HE WAS RAHM EMANUEL.

HE DOESN'T TAKE SHIT FROM COLBERT.

HE PWNS FIGHT CLUB.

HE CONTROLS SPACE AND TIME.

HE RUNS THE SUPER SECRET 10TH CIRCLE OF HELL.

HE OFFERED LORD VOLDEMORT PLASTIC SURGERY.

HE FUCKS WITH DISCWORLD AND LIVES TO TELL THE TALE.

HE DOMINATES MAL REYNOLDS.

CROWLEY IS STILL IN A STATE OF SHOCK AND AWE.


LES MIZ. IDK. I NEVER READ IT. BUT IT STILL ROCKS, OK?


HE CAN MAKE DEAN WINCHESTER BEG FOR IT.


HE BEATS LEX LUTHOR AT HIS OWN GAME.



[ Because bookshop ran in about here and went:

*ARRIVES LATE*

*SHRIEKS INARTICULATELY FOR MANY LONG MINUTES AT THIS ENTIRE POST* ]




BECAUSE HE WALKED OUT ON THE JOKER

WILBUR THE PIG GOT -

HE GOT IT ON WITH HOUSE.

TONY STARK, PEOPLE. NEED I SAY MORE?


HE'S IN UR LJ TORTURING CONGRESS AND NOT TAKING THIS NEW PROFILE SHIT:



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BECAUSE HE LEADS TO THESE KIND OF CONVERSATIONS:




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vixen_notatramp: CLEARLY RAHM HAD A MOTHERFUCKING PLAN FOR US.

charlie_d_blue: CLEARLY. RAHM IS EVERYWHERE AND IN ALL THINGS. FATE IS HIS BITCH AND LIKES IT UP THE ASS.

vixen_notatramp: FATE IS JUST HAPPY TO GET RAHM ANY WAY SHE CAN GET HIM.

charlie_d_blue: HE IS A VERY BUSY MAN, IT IS TRUE

vixen_notatramp: HE'S ALL 'FATE, JESUS CHRIST QUIT BEING SUCH A CLINGY BITCH! I GOT IMMINENT DOOM AND GOOD FORTUNE FOR A THREESOME TODAY, AND THOSE BITCHES BE FRISKY. WAIT YOUR TURN, JESUS.'

charlie_d_blue: AND THEN FATE GETS SULKY IN A CORNER AND THAT'S HOW AMERICA ENDED UP WITH W. FOR TWO TERMS.

vixen_notatramp: AND THIS YEAR RAHM WAS LIKE, 'BABE, I GET YOU'RE PISSED. BUT YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND, WHEN THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU, YOU GOT LOTS OF SHIT TO DO. COME ON, BABY, I PROMISE TUESDAY NIGHTS WILL BE YOURS IF YOU GET BARACK ELECTED'.

charlie_d_blue: AND WOMAN WAS SO HAPPY TO HAVE HIS ATTENTION SHE CURSED THE REPUBLICANS WITH PALIN.

vixen_notatramp: AND THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T FUCK WITH RAHM EMANUEL, KIDS. FATE WILL SEND YOU SARAH PALIN.

charlie_d_blue: AND TAKE AWAY OHIO.

vixen_notatramp: RAHM GIVETH, THEN HE TAKETH AWAY WHILE HE DOES TOUR JETÉS ON YOUR NADS.

charlie_d_blue: HE WILL PERFORM A PERFECTLY EXTENDED GRAND ROND DE JAMBE ON YOUR BRUISED AND BATTERED ASS AND LEAVE YOU WANTING MORE.

vixen_notatramp: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT FUCKING MEANS AND IT'S STILL HOTTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE ON THE PLANET.

charlie_d_blue: LOOK IT UP BITCH. IT IS HOT LIKE A BURNING THING. I KNOW. I SPENT YEARS PULLING THIS SHIT.

vixen_notatramp: ...

I'LL BE IN MY BUNK.



[...]



charlie_d_blue: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING LIKE IT IS.

vixen_notatramp: CLEARLY IT IS BECAUSE IT WAS PREORDAINED BY RAHM, Y/Y? ONLY EXPLANATION.

charlie_d_blue: PREORDAINED WITH ALL THE MIGHT OF A THOUSAND NATIONS OF THE PERSIAN EMPIRE.


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IDK. IT JUST SOUNDED RIGHT.

vixen_notatramp: DUDE, THE MACEDONIANS ARE IN ON THIS SHIT, TOO. KINKY FUCKERS.

charlie_d_blue: YOU KNOW IT.

vixen_notatramp: THE MACEDONIANS ARE ALL UP IN EGYPT, RUNNIN AROUND ALL LIKE IM IN UR COUNTRY, HIJACKIN' UR DYNASTIC LINE.

...IDEK, DUDE.

charlie_d_blue: AND RAHM'S ALL LIKE FUCK YOUR MOTHERFUCKING DYNASTIC LINE, IMMA CUT YOU IF YOU DON'T GET SOME DEMOCRACY IN HERE STAT COCKSUCKERS.

...

YEAH. ME NEITHER. XD



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vixen_notatramp: AND LO DID RAHM LOOK DOWN AND SAY 'SHIT, THERE ARE SOME FINEASS FANGIRLS OUT THERE WHO NEED TO MEET. I SHOULD HOOK THAT SHIT UP.'

charlie_d_blue: AND THE RAHM DIDTH SAY: 'ALL YO MOTHERFUCKERS BE CRAZY AS ALL HELL, BUT I LIKE THAT IN A MINION.'

vixen_notatramp: AMEN.


[...]



vixen_notatramp: IDK WHAT I'M EVEN SAYING ANYMORE. WHERE AM I? WHAT IS THIS? I DON'T EVEN CARE.

charlie_d_blue: *IS FAINTLY CONCERNED*

MAYBE YOU NEED SLEEP? WE ARE NOT ALL LIKE RAHM, YOU KNOW.

vixen_notatramp: ...BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS AND IT IS AWESOME AND I MISS IT? PLUS IT IS ONLY MIDNIGHT THIRTY. I'M GOOD.

charlie_d_blue: OKAY. GOOD. DO YOU STILL REMEMBER YOUR NAME?

vixen_notatramp: ...

YES. I THINK.

charlie_d_blue: THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.


[...]




THE END MOTHERFUCKERS.

Comments

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

I BET SHE KEEPS A SHOTGUN UNDER THE BED AND A CUTE LITTLE AIR COMPRESS BERETTA (http://www.berettaaustralia.com/index.aspx?m=74&idc=2) IN HER GUCCI PURSE.

She totally tries to have girl talk with Michelle about the pros and cons of sound supressors vs. expediency and Michelle, with all her wonderful, collected dignity, smiles, nods and wonders how the hell this woman isn't running the mafia instead of the brothers. Later, when she's half drunk on $1000 champagne, she asks Sarah about. Sarah smiles her secretive smile and says:

"Oh, I have all the power I need. The boys get everything done and take care of the paper work. I just look pretty and keep an fresh perspective on them ... I make sure they don't screw up too badly, it keeps them in line and it means that the children have a father who isn't going to be in jail for half their lives."

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

I BET YOU ARI GOT HER THAT GOLD BERETTA FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

I think I have a girl!crush on Sarah.
SHE IS A BAMF.

And I love how Michelle is down with all the mafia thing.
I think she's very unflappable. Do you get that vibe?

I mean, honestly, OBAMA could walk into his house and be like,
OBAMA: Oh, hi, honey. I had a terrible day today. China's being uncooperative and Rahm sent me a severed finger along with the note "it's been taken care of".
MICHELLE: Oh, really? That's nice, Barack. Go set the table now. I don't care if you're the President of the Western World. You pull your weight.

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

OBAMA: Oh, hi, honey. I had a terrible day today. China's being uncooperative and Rahm sent me a severed finger along with the note "it's been taken care of".
MICHELLE: Oh, really? That's nice, Barack. Go set the table now. I don't care if you're the President of the Western World. You pull your weight.


You-I-this-I can't-I just- *collapses into uncontrollable giggles*

THIS IS PERFECT! THAT IS SO RAHM'S WAY OF SAYING I LOVE YOU AND PULLING SHIT LIKE INTERNATIONAL ASSASSINATIONS HAS GOT NOTHING ON YOUR SMILE.


Oh, definitely. She has this gorgeous cool, yet is somehow warm and friendly at the same time.

DUDE I CANNOT FIND ANY PHOTOS OF SARAH ANYWHERE. IF THIS CONTINUES I SHALL HAVE TO JUST PICK SOMEONE TO BE MY IMAGE OF HER.

AT THE MOMENT IT IS MONICA BELLUCCI. (http://monicabelluccimedia.com/thumbnails.php?album=699)

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

oooh, very nice.
Monica Bellucci... has that whole black-and-white, dark-eyed, dark-haired, woman-in-power thing going on. I like it.

*giggles*
RAHM IS MADE OF MOTHERFUCKING WIN AND HE WILL TOTALLY OWN CHINA'S SHIT.

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

I am totally cheating because I already have a rampant girl!crush on her. She is brilliant. Utterly brilliant. *hearts like a mofo*

YOU KNOW IT. THAT WILL BE LATER IN THE VERSE, ONCE OBAMA HAS WON THE PRESIDENCY AND RAHM'S BELIEF IN THE VALUE OF HIS INVESTMENT IN OBAMA HAS BEEN THOROUGHLY JUSTIFIED. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, NOW HE OWNS THAT MOFO PRESIDENT'S ASS.

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It was late at night when Rahm got the call from Michelle, who was currently in Darfur raising awareness for the genocide orphans.

He was still awake, going over the latest reports from New York on the viability of continuing with the current level of cocaine imports versus investing more money into the international arms trade.

"The girls' nanny called and Barack hasn't gone home yet. I can't get through to him and they say he locked himself in the Oval Office hours ago and no-one's heard from him since." Her voice had been carefully calm, only wavering the smallest possible inch at the last few words.

She called him because she knew he was currently in DC, setting up a more permament base of operations now that Barack was in the White House, and so within minutes he was barelling past the security guards, flashing the permanent pass he'd been granted, and totally ignoring the protests of Barack's lone remaining aide as he pummelled the door to the Oval Office.

"You fucker! Do you have any fucking idea how worried you have Michelle?" Not to mention me. He yelled out, thumping on the door a couple more times for good measure.

The door swung open silently after a silent moment, and Rahm smirked at the visibly rattled aide before walking in and slamming, yes slamming the door to the Oval Office shut behind him.

He closed his mouth on the tirade that had been building up for the entire drive over when he saw Barack collapse onto one of the couches, shirtsleeves rolled up and crumpled, a half-empty decanter of scotch on the coffee table. He leant forward, bracing his arms on his knees, head hanging and not meeting Rahm's eyes.

"Sorry." His voice was cracked and rasping, as if he was forcing the word out against his better judgement.

Rahm didn't say a word, just sat opposite him, eyes intent.

After long minutes, Barack reached out and grabbed the glass, tipping it slightly and watching the liquid roll.
"It's China." His voice was so goddamned tired. "The talks broke down. We're not going to get them to work with us on the human rights issues."

When Barack finally lifted his head with a heartbroken look on his face and impotent fury burning in his eyes, tie pulled loose and to the side like it never, ever was in the White House, Rahm's blood boiled and he swore just one thing.

Those cocksuckers in China were going the fuck down for doing putting that look on Barack's face.

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[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

OH.MY.RAHM.

I can imagine that kicked-puppy-dog look on Obama's face, too. That whole-hearted, crestfallen look that's like.. all his efforts and all his ideals for change are going down the drain and, oh ♥

Those cocksuckers in China were going the fuck down for doing putting that look on Barack's face. = the equivalent of a Rahm!hug.

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

Hee! Mafia!Verse is so totally addictive. I'm all like *gimmehands* at my own brain.

Cos you just know a Rahm!hug comes with all kinds of affectionate-on-your-behalf-violent-fuckery, and one from Mafia!Verse Rahm has all kinds of strings attached no matter how much he is secretly in love with you. Man is a gangster first, last and always.

And Rahm would normally be the first person to say to hell with Obama's idealism and give him a dose of reality, except he finds himself irresistibly drawn to destroy every motherfucker who dares disappoint Obama's optimistic view of the world.

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

And Rahm would normally be the first person to say to hell with Obama's idealism and give him a dose of reality, except he finds himself irresistibly drawn to destroy every motherfucker who dares disappoint Obama's optimistic view of the world.

IAWTC.

Also, on a subject that is not about Rahm's love for Obama (but still about Rahm. Because everything is about Rahm), I do believe Rahm's violence and absolute fuckery should still have a great deal of grace about it (the man's a ballerina. Come on.). He's not all wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. He's a carefully planned and maniacally wicked assassin that enjoys what he does and doesn't care what you pansy, tree-hugging, peace-loving hippies think of him and his morals.
In true mafia style: the only morals he has are his family.


AND--> sorry to abandon you but I'm up way past my bedtime. Hehe. I have work tomorrow and zomg, 4hours sleep + flu = not pleasant, but SO WORTH IT BECAUSE WE CREATED MAFIA!VERSE.

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

Oh, man has got some wicked style. The family thing? Total word.

YES. ALL MANNER OF PAIN IS WORTH THE CREATION OF FURTHER RAHM!CRACK. ESPECIALLY BADASS!RAHM!CRACK.

Goodnight, and hope you feel better. :D

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

So, uh, reading back on this thread this morning... that stuff we took last night to come up with all this delicious crack?


Must. Do. Again.

[charlie-d-blue.livejournal.com]

Absolutely.

You should see the essay on motherfucking cultural relativity vs. free will and other shit I was writing at the same time. Mess of crazed, brilliant chaotic words.

Mafia!Verse FTW!

[r0knr0ll.livejournal.com]

You should see the essay on motherfucking cultural relativity vs. free will and other shit I was writing at the same time. Mess of crazed, brilliant chaotic words.

OMG, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN GLORIOUS.

I think Mafia!verse has ruined my brain. LOOK WHAT I JUST DID (http://r0knr0ll.livejournal.com/180889.html?mode=reply).