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CONFIDENTIAL REPORT
Hidden Species Profile #17851
This is an incredible sub-species of a sub-culture originating from the post-modernist ideals of western pop-culturally labelled society.
Not to be confused with the general figure of speech that has entered the modern language, the Wild Ragamuffin is, nevertheless, the root of the modern descriptive label ‘ragamuffin’.
Caution:
The Wild Ragamuffin tends to the egocentric, so it is best to approach this rare creature with caution. If at all possible, it is advisable that some form of flattering poetry should be spouted to appease the instinctual vanity of the Ragamuffin.
For those springing from the Era of Political Correctness of the Generation: 2000, caution must be practised when in the presence of a Wild Ragamuffin. While utterly aware of its own vanities, a Wild Ragamuffin is notoriously intolerant of any kind of pretentiousness or self-esteem in others. Even a hint of it on the air may cause the Ragamuffin’s naturally occurring Unholy Anger™ instinct to blossom.
Origins:
It is believed that the Ragamuffin emerged from the still-speaking mouth of a rather dishevelled storyteller, fully formed, who had been in the middle of the particularly gory tale of God’s Creation Myth. Indeed, to this day, there are theorists who swear by their Oedipus Complexes that the Wild Ragamuffin was created purely to punish the over-zealous raconteur.
Nowadays, this fascinating creature stems from and flourishes under the shade of the giant bright purple-splotched lime-green mushroom. At this formative point of development, the Wild Ragamuffin is fed shit and kept in the dark.
Physicality: How to Spot A Ragamuffin
These beings possess the rather remarkable - or, paradoxically, unremarkable - ability to pass … well, unremarkably through society.
If unsure as to whether one has spotted a Wild Ragamuffin, an infallible give-away would be the possible visibility of a few white feathers poking up over the collar of a coat or jacket.
For the Wild Ragamuffin sports a small pair of white feathered wings, which, when unhidden, tend to float behind the Ragamuffin somewhere in the vicinity of the shoulder blades.
Indeed, a common pretence among the Wild Ragamuffin in disguise is to claim that they are, in fact, on the way to a rather wild costume party, and-would-you-like-to-come-along?
Twigs and other natural paraphernalia in the hair is also a dead-giveaway.
Spotting Locations:
A Wild Ragamuffin can often be spotted by the experienced observer in garden parks, egging young children into dangerous youthly deeds such as throwing tantrums at the ducks or playing hooky with the clouds.
Pirate ships too have made a habit of being an ideal location for the Wild Ragamuffin. Unfortunately for the keen Ragamuffin enthusiast, pirate ships cannot be true pirate ships unless their existence is kept hush-hush. Indeed, so well have the pirates mastered this holing-up act that a discovery of one of these iniquitous vessels has not occurred for many centuries.
Cafés are good. Find an open, sunlit table and settle in with a good newspaper. Wild Ragamuffin can be seen flitting in and out of the cafés with the really good nibblies, charming waiters and stealing money out of the tip jars.
If very fortunate, the skilled spotter may have the luck to catch the eye of one of these capricious beings. If this does occur, freeze!
Do. Not. Give. The. Raga. Muffin. Cause. To. Judge. You.
In other words, do not:
• Smile (unless you have a crooked one)
• Look away (this will damage its sensitive pride.)
• Breathe (they detest mortal limits)
• Think (this is considered blasphemous when looking a Ragamuffin in the eye)
• Frown (unless you look like a grizzled sea captain)
• Stand Still (that’s just irritating)
• Blink (for obvious reasons)
• Sip your coffee (see second item)
• Move (see three above)
• Wiggle your ears (that’s just showing off)
The two allowed actions are:
• A flip of the hair for the very talented.
Or
• A slight quirking of a single eyebrow.
Successful eye contact with a Wild Ragamuffin bequeaths a golden haired child.
Diet:
The diet of the Wild Ragamuffin is voracious, and has developed from the evolutionary mutation Sweet-Tooth variation of the habitual seaweed and forget-me-not staple diet, to the raging cocoa-vorous full-moon requirements.
Himalayan berries are believed to be the cause of the dark red colour of the Wild Ragamuffin’s lips, though this could also be an innate pigmentation resulting from the natural urge to clash with the purple and lime-green mushrooms that they grew from.
Quantum Physics:
The daisy crown of a Wild Ragamuffin child causes the third feather of the left wing of the closest fully-grown Ragamuffin to rustle, providing that Wild Ragamuffin is removed from the child by at least seven and a half degrees of separation. This relationship in turn causes the exponential growth in the stock marketplace of the theoretical model presented by the pot of gold at the end of the African rainbow caused by a hurricane in Ohio, the origin of which was the flapping of a Moroccan butterfly’s wings in the same instant that Britney Spear’s iconic pop song ‘Hit Me Baby (One More Time)’ reached the artificially-enhanced sonic sensors implanted in the organically grown living tissue created by an alien race of a skin colour thirteen shades whiter than the average Caucasian’s.
The ensuing debate - on whether it was a hostile extraterrestrial message complaining about the masochistic tendencies of their harmless Dictator, or whether it was a top secret weapon sent by alien enemies to undermine the morals of society and corrupt their world into a dominant heretofore undetectable universal empire - destroyed several tulips.
theme song: The Way We Get By - Spoon
emotional evaluation: 
cold
coldtriangulation: by the windows
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