...That is to say terrifying.

On that note:



A RAHM EMANUEL MANIFESTO:

On why there is no spoon, only Rahm.


-




-






-


tl__dr: IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FANON IN THE RAHMDOM. OKAY.

(AND SERIOUSLY I LOVE BARACK THE PROUD-OF-HIMSELF-EVERY-TIME-HE-SAYS-SOMETHING-IMMATURE DORK EVEN MORE THAN I LOVE HIS CHIEF OF STAFF. I GOTTA JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT.)

charlie_d_blue: IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FANON IN THE RAHMDOM. OKAY.

This is like, totally a Chuck Norris fact for LJ. There is no Fanon. There is only Rahm, and those too weak to stomach him.

bookshop: i'm just going to start saying "There is no ____. There is only Rahm."

There is no Democratic Party. THERE IS ONLY RAHM.

There is no Palestinian conflict. THERE IS ONLY RAHM.

There is no spoon. THERE IS ONLY RAHM.


From: here.


-



-



-



-

A Brilliant Post that Comprehensively Explains Rahm's history and why he is just so motherfucking awesome.

-




-



-



-



-





-




REASONS TO LOVE THIS FANDOM: BECAUSE IT TOOK CHUCK NORRIS' SCHTICK AND MADE IT INTO BRILLIANT CRACK.

RAHM'S FACTS.


1. He is good with computers:

There is no 'ctrl' button on Rahm Emanuel's computer. Rahm Emanuel is always in control.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Rahm Emanuel is worth 1 billion words."


2. He can handle a weapon:

Rahm Emanuel built a better mousetrap, but the world was afraid to beat a path to his door.


3. Michelle loves him:

Rahm Emanuel neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.


4. He will fuck Osama's shit up:



Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Rahm Emanuel's basement.

Two days later.

He is now Tony Stark's long lost brother.


4. He will own your soul at scrabble:

If you spell Rahm Emanuel in Scrabble, you win. Forever.


5. Arnold Schwarzenegger is his bitch:

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Rahm Emanuel for help.


6. He will pwn you in his ballet leotard:

Rahm Emanuel’s roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.


7. He will destroy myspace:
Rahm Emanuel is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.


8. Barack failing to cook and Rahm being smug is unbearably cute:

Rahm Emanuel smells what Barack is cooking. Because Barack is his personal chef.


9. He can get away with pulling any shit he likes:

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Rahmtatorship.


-



BECAUSE THE MEDIA IS JUST AS CRACKY AND IN LOVE WITH HIM AS WE ARE:





Articles:


Apparently he ended a phone call to one candidate by saying: "Don't fuck it up or I'll fuck you. I'll kill you. All right, I love you. Bye."

- Telegraph.


The New Yorker: Emanuel In Full.

Chicago Tribune: The House Rahm Built.

The Rolling Stone: The Enforcer.

10 Things You Didn't Know About Rahm Emanuel.

Time: Rahm Emanuel.

Politico: Rahm Emanuel Just a Heartbeat Away From Having a Heart.

Times Online: Obama Means Business.

GQ: Kiss the Ring.

The Five Most Infamous Rahm Emanuel Moments.

The Legend of Rahm.


-


Videos:

Rahm on The Daily Show.

Rahm Emanuel on Face the Nation.

Obama on Rahm. Not literally.

Rahm Emanuel composes a (RHYMING!) love letter from Republicans to the Oil Companies.

Rahm Emanuel lays it on thick using Republican arguments against George Bush to urge health care reform.

Rahm Emanuel versus Dick Cheney.

Rahm Emanuel Shuts Down GOP Foley Defense.

Rahm Emanuel (barely restraining himself) on Meet the Press.



Other:

rahmbamarama

The Rahm EmanuelFriendingPress Gang Meme.

Rahm Picspam.

Rahm Emanuel Will Shoot You in the Face.

The Classics done Rahm-Style.

Feel The Love or You're Dead.

rahm_daily


-



Perfectly Speculative Quote That is Perfect:


A fellow Congressman once described Emanuel as an "amoral, showboating cock."

Totally Unofficial Source (in comments)



-




REASONS TO LOVE RAHM: THE CROSSOVER SPECIAL


HE TELLS ANGELS THEY HAVE TO MAKE FUCKING APPOINTMENTS.

HOGWARTS WAS BIRTHED FROM HIS LOINS.

KINGSLEY SHACKLEBOLT GOT TOLD.

EDWARD CULLEN IS TOO TERRIFIED TO WISH HE WAS RAHM EMANUEL.

HE DOESN'T TAKE SHIT FROM COLBERT.

HE PWNS FIGHT CLUB.

HE CONTROLS SPACE AND TIME.

HE RUNS THE SUPER SECRET 10TH CIRCLE OF HELL.

HE OFFERED LORD VOLDEMORT PLASTIC SURGERY.

HE FUCKS WITH DISCWORLD AND LIVES TO TELL THE TALE.

HE DOMINATES MAL REYNOLDS.

CROWLEY IS STILL IN A STATE OF SHOCK AND AWE.


LES MIZ. IDK. I NEVER READ IT. BUT IT STILL ROCKS, OK?


HE CAN MAKE DEAN WINCHESTER BEG FOR IT.


HE BEATS LEX LUTHOR AT HIS OWN GAME.



[ Because bookshop ran in about here and went:

*ARRIVES LATE*

*SHRIEKS INARTICULATELY FOR MANY LONG MINUTES AT THIS ENTIRE POST* ]




BECAUSE HE WALKED OUT ON THE JOKER

WILBUR THE PIG GOT -

HE GOT IT ON WITH HOUSE.

TONY STARK, PEOPLE. NEED I SAY MORE?


HE'S IN UR LJ TORTURING CONGRESS AND NOT TAKING THIS NEW PROFILE SHIT:



-



BECAUSE HE LEADS TO THESE KIND OF CONVERSATIONS:




-


vixen_notatramp: CLEARLY RAHM HAD A MOTHERFUCKING PLAN FOR US.

charlie_d_blue: CLEARLY. RAHM IS EVERYWHERE AND IN ALL THINGS. FATE IS HIS BITCH AND LIKES IT UP THE ASS.

vixen_notatramp: FATE IS JUST HAPPY TO GET RAHM ANY WAY SHE CAN GET HIM.

charlie_d_blue: HE IS A VERY BUSY MAN, IT IS TRUE

vixen_notatramp: HE'S ALL 'FATE, JESUS CHRIST QUIT BEING SUCH A CLINGY BITCH! I GOT IMMINENT DOOM AND GOOD FORTUNE FOR A THREESOME TODAY, AND THOSE BITCHES BE FRISKY. WAIT YOUR TURN, JESUS.'

charlie_d_blue: AND THEN FATE GETS SULKY IN A CORNER AND THAT'S HOW AMERICA ENDED UP WITH W. FOR TWO TERMS.

vixen_notatramp: AND THIS YEAR RAHM WAS LIKE, 'BABE, I GET YOU'RE PISSED. BUT YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND, WHEN THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU, YOU GOT LOTS OF SHIT TO DO. COME ON, BABY, I PROMISE TUESDAY NIGHTS WILL BE YOURS IF YOU GET BARACK ELECTED'.

charlie_d_blue: AND WOMAN WAS SO HAPPY TO HAVE HIS ATTENTION SHE CURSED THE REPUBLICANS WITH PALIN.

vixen_notatramp: AND THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T FUCK WITH RAHM EMANUEL, KIDS. FATE WILL SEND YOU SARAH PALIN.

charlie_d_blue: AND TAKE AWAY OHIO.

vixen_notatramp: RAHM GIVETH, THEN HE TAKETH AWAY WHILE HE DOES TOUR JETÉS ON YOUR NADS.

charlie_d_blue: HE WILL PERFORM A PERFECTLY EXTENDED GRAND ROND DE JAMBE ON YOUR BRUISED AND BATTERED ASS AND LEAVE YOU WANTING MORE.

vixen_notatramp: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT FUCKING MEANS AND IT'S STILL HOTTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE ON THE PLANET.

charlie_d_blue: LOOK IT UP BITCH. IT IS HOT LIKE A BURNING THING. I KNOW. I SPENT YEARS PULLING THIS SHIT.

vixen_notatramp: ...

I'LL BE IN MY BUNK.



[...]



charlie_d_blue: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING LIKE IT IS.

vixen_notatramp: CLEARLY IT IS BECAUSE IT WAS PREORDAINED BY RAHM, Y/Y? ONLY EXPLANATION.

charlie_d_blue: PREORDAINED WITH ALL THE MIGHT OF A THOUSAND NATIONS OF THE PERSIAN EMPIRE.


...


IDK. IT JUST SOUNDED RIGHT.

vixen_notatramp: DUDE, THE MACEDONIANS ARE IN ON THIS SHIT, TOO. KINKY FUCKERS.

charlie_d_blue: YOU KNOW IT.

vixen_notatramp: THE MACEDONIANS ARE ALL UP IN EGYPT, RUNNIN AROUND ALL LIKE IM IN UR COUNTRY, HIJACKIN' UR DYNASTIC LINE.

...IDEK, DUDE.

charlie_d_blue: AND RAHM'S ALL LIKE FUCK YOUR MOTHERFUCKING DYNASTIC LINE, IMMA CUT YOU IF YOU DON'T GET SOME DEMOCRACY IN HERE STAT COCKSUCKERS.

...

YEAH. ME NEITHER. XD



[...]



vixen_notatramp: AND LO DID RAHM LOOK DOWN AND SAY 'SHIT, THERE ARE SOME FINEASS FANGIRLS OUT THERE WHO NEED TO MEET. I SHOULD HOOK THAT SHIT UP.'

charlie_d_blue: AND THE RAHM DIDTH SAY: 'ALL YO MOTHERFUCKERS BE CRAZY AS ALL HELL, BUT I LIKE THAT IN A MINION.'

vixen_notatramp: AMEN.


[...]



vixen_notatramp: IDK WHAT I'M EVEN SAYING ANYMORE. WHERE AM I? WHAT IS THIS? I DON'T EVEN CARE.

charlie_d_blue: *IS FAINTLY CONCERNED*

MAYBE YOU NEED SLEEP? WE ARE NOT ALL LIKE RAHM, YOU KNOW.

vixen_notatramp: ...BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS AND IT IS AWESOME AND I MISS IT? PLUS IT IS ONLY MIDNIGHT THIRTY. I'M GOOD.

charlie_d_blue: OKAY. GOOD. DO YOU STILL REMEMBER YOUR NAME?

vixen_notatramp: ...

YES. I THINK.

charlie_d_blue: THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.


[...]




THE END MOTHERFUCKERS.